Analiza: Analiza Hi, I'm Analiza Quiroz Wolf, proud Asian American, mama of two kiddos. I went from being a burned out mama to being a Boss Mama, being a boss at work home and play. I'm on a mission to help more women be Boss Mamas. If you want to thrive at work without sacrificing family or self care, you're in the right place. I'm launching my next cohort of women leaders starting in January. The online course is eight weeks and has helped achieving women get the balanced joy and fulfillment they deserve. Go to Analizawolf.com/bossmamas to learn more. Now let's get into today's show.

How does a Boss Mama set boundaries at work so that she can spend time with family and self care while being an effective leader and not experiencing all that guilt? Today we're talking with Aarika Lim Riddle. Aarika is half Chinese and half white and she shares with us her journey growing up in Hawaii and actually experiencing racism because she's half white, and then later living in the mainland and experiencing the benefits of being white. In her Boss mama journey, Aarika also shares how after graduating from California Lutheran University, she has a career in nonprofit and eventually becomes an executive director at Reading Partners, a nonprofit focused on supporting children with reading. She eventually finds herself in her current role as executive director of Kristi Yamaguchi nonprofit, Always Dream on this journey. Aarika works hard, and she finds herself really burned out. And with two kids, her husband takes her aside and has an intervention, Aarika realizes that she needs better boundaries. In Boss Mamas, we often talk about how we call our community, which includes having conversations with the people around us at work and at home about what we need. And holding our boundaries. Aarika is a great example of this, she shares with us her steps for establishing boundaries and what it meant for her. And she also shares what that means for her in terms of what it opened up for self care and focus family time. I'm really excited for you to meet this Boss Mama.

Aarika, it is so great to be talking with you. One of the things that attracted me to us talking was actually our shared background and having lived in Hawaii. And in fact, your family lived in Hawaii for generations. So I was curious, how do you identify? When people look at you and say, what's your background? What do you say?

Aarika: Yeah, I mean, Hawaii is a big part of who I am. So I'm not shy about leading with. I'm from Hawaii, and I'm half Chinese.

Analiza: Yes, that makes sense. And it's interesting, or could you being half white and half Chinese there is interesting, while beautifully mixed in terms of the racial makeup of the people of Hawaii. There's also racism as many states in America have. Could you talk about growing up half Chinese?

Aarika: Well, you know, growing up half Chinese, but then also just growing up in Hawaii, it's the melting pot of the Pacific. So you've got pretty much the majority of the population in Hawaii is either some sort of Asian or Pacific Islander necessity or race and white people are actually the minority. And so being half white and half Chinese, to most of my classmates growing up, they look at me and they go, Oh, she's white, or in Hawaii, we'd say, Oh, she's Haole. And that's interesting, because it's one of the few places where white people are probably experiencing racism, which is so different from here on the mainland, where white people are the majority. So there were definitely times where I had to justify to people that you know, I am Chinese, this is my dad, he really is my dad. And that's an interesting thing to have to think back on now that I am living in a place where I'm no longer the minority. I'm the majority because I think to most people, you might tell him a mix. But for a lot of people, I have light skin. And so I'm white, and I have the privileges that come along with that.

Analiza: It's interesting because you had experienced racism as a half white person as a child in Hawaii, and now you're able to have privilege as a half white person on the mainland. So I'm curious, when did you realize or was there a recent experience that really brought that to light that there is privilege there being half light?

Anarika: Everything happening with race in the country over the last few years has made me think about this a lot more than I ever had before and Understanding what privileges and recognizing that I had. But I think a recent experience that kind of comes to mind, as you know, not too long ago, there were a lot of Asian hate crimes happening in Oakland Chinatown. I live in Oakland, California. And my uncle called and was very concerned that I might be at risk or might be harmed. And the truth of it is, I don't look Chinese, I look white. And I have, you know, blond hair, blue eyed kids, too. So I never felt threatened or that my safety was at risk. Because I've got that privilege of having, you know, white blood in me and the look of a white person, in a lot of ways.

Analiza: The unique experience, Aarika, you've had a racism of being a prey to it, but also being able to benefit on the other side of being half white is so unique. And I know that empathy is one of your superpowers. So I'm curious, in terms of the empathy and even your identity, when you think about your kids, how are you thinking about that, like, incorporating or having them exposed to their race or background? Any exploration there?

Aarika: Yeah, I mean, we've been having a lot of open conversations as a family about race and privilege and understanding and teaching them what privilege is, and learning about other cultures that you my kids are only a quarter Chinese, but we want to try to teach them about what it does mean and kind of where their family came from. And then growing up in Hawaii, I think it's such a different experience than growing up anywhere else in the country. And, and so sharing that with them has been important to me as well. So, you know, we try to go back as often as we can, a little bit harder during a pandemic, but you know, exposing them to different cultures and different cuisines and trying to put themselves in the shoes of other people and, and trying to teach that empathy piece to them as well as really important.

Analiza: I agree, empathy, if more people had it, if I mean, even for myself building that muscle. It's a beautiful thing and could really bring us together. Yeah, absolutely. So going back to your days in Hawaii, you are dreaming of the future. Aarika, I'm curious if you can tell us about what you dream about? Did you expect to go to the mainland? What was your path?

Aarika: I was pretty set on leaving Hawaii. When I was applying for colleges, I actually didn't even apply to any schools in Hawaii, I definitely had, Get me off this rock in the middle of the Pacific mentality. And now looking back, I'm like, Wow, what a jaded 18 year old. I should have had more perspective. But I left and I got it and realized what an amazing life I've had an opportunity to grow up in Hawaii. But I initially thought, oh, I wanted to be a news reporter. And kind of went down the path in school of doing that and studying journalism, and then made a shift to public relations, and then ultimately ended up in the nonprofit world, I think, because I was so driven to help other people, and was still able to bring a lot of those communication pieces into the nonprofit world. So I think that's kind of how my path took me.

Analiza: So I'm going to that moment when you are now a leader because your career path accelerated pretty quickly. And you got spotlighted and picked for different development, jobs, and fundraising. And you're now a leader at the nonprofits called Reading Partners. How are you balancing this thing called work life balance, trying to be a Boss Mama, bring us to your life then even today What was it like for you?

Aarika: Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, when I started at Reading Partners, I was hired as an executive director there, I was pregnant. So I pretty much got hired and said, Well, can I have to go on maternity leave in a few months. And, you know, I was really grateful, they were very accommodating, and figured out how to make that happen. So I went on maternity leave pretty shortly after starting this big role and a big step up for me, and then came back to work and felt like I owe it to them. I always have this sense of loyalty. And so I felt like okay, I've got to give it my all I've got to work really hard. And I think for a while I was doing a pretty good job of balancing things. But then over time, I think started to slip in realizing why I'm spending a lot of time working and less time with my family, which is super important to me and really figuring out like how do I shift the balance, but I think it got harder and harder because we had vacancies and different positions that took a long time to fill which meant that I was taking on a lot of those responsibilities. And so, you know, I think you go into the nonprofit world and people tell you, you're gonna wear a lot of hats and I was wearing a lot of hats, but I was also wearing like three people's hats. There were a lot of hats for one person. And I think that got tricky and ultimately my husband sat me down and said, You can't keep doing this. This is not sustainable.

Analiza: I mean, I want to just highlight something you said. And it's like loyalty, it was a huge thing for them as a new hire right to hear you say, Okay, I'm going on maternity leave. And as having been in that position before part of my heart, it's like, oh, you know, that's we're trying to hire to fill because other people are wearing other hats. And it was very gracious and the right thing to do for them to say, of course, like, you should enjoy your baby, do your maternity leave. And yet this loyalty piece, because loyalty is a beautiful thing, but also can be very dark. So for you to see that the loyalty led you into a place where you then had to have an intervention. I just want to highlight that because I'm very loyal myself, it has led me to some dark places of choices, because I want to show people that I'm loyal to so talk to us about that intervention. So did Were you surprised? Did he take you aside and you had a heart to heart?

Aarika: I think like most nights, we put the kids to bed, and then I pulled my laptop out and was sitting on the couch working for several hours. And then like multiple consecutive days in a row that I had to do that. And my husband just looked at me and he closed your laptop. I was like what? And he said, we have to tell you we cannot keep doing this, like, do you want your kids to look back on this time, and just say, Oh, Mom was always working. You don't want that. And I think that was the wake up call that I needed to realize, like, Whoa, my loyalty has led me to really poor boundaries. And I probably should have said no a number of times. But I think there's also the loyalty piece. There's the empathy piece. And I think the empathy side of me was also trying to protect other people on my team from being overloaded. And so I was taking on all of these things. And I think it ultimately led to that intervention with my husband and realizing he's ray, I can't keep doing this. This is too much.

Analiza: Thank goodness for some truth tellers to help us interrupt, because it's so hard to even know. And I have it and you're trying to take care of family duty. And you go back to work duty. And I'm just grateful for the people who love us enough to take us aside and tell us like no, not okay, we do not fix it. So yay for him. So Aarika, tell me, then you get this talk. Right. And what did you do? I mean, you're still wearing the hats and three people's hats. And that's a lot of hats. So what do you do? They're so used to you operating at such a high level? How do you move forward?

Aarika: I think part of it was the culture of the organization at the time, it was not fully to blame, because I think ultimately, that blame comes down to me like I could have been the one to put my foot down and or just say no to things they didn't and I let it get to this degree. But I have a hard time figuring out how I was going to dig myself out of it. To be honest with you. Like once you've kind of set those expectations, it's really hard to pivot. And then coincidentally, an opportunity. And I came across my desk of executive director for Kristi Yamaguchi's nonprofit organization. And it just was the right time in my life. And kind of like the perfect synergies of everything kind of coming together. You know, people talk about the stars aligning, this was kind of one of those like, stars aligned moment for me, because Always Dream is focused on literacy, which is something that I was already doing. They were doing work in the Bay Area, which is where I call home now, but also Hawaii, which is where I will always call home. And so seeing this opportunity that aligns so well to kind of my own story, but then also the timing of it. It just couldn't have come at a better time for me. And I made that jump into the interview process with them.

Analiza: It's amazing, don't you think that after that conversation with your husband, a few months later, this perfect job came up. And it was both passion and also location and an opportunity for you to turn over a new leaf and have this different life. So I actually want us to walk it through with you because now you're ED right, you're the boss to make things happen. And that starts with you. So how did you show up?

Aarika: That talk for my husband definitely helps because I had that in the back of my mind kind of going into this role. And strangely enough, the recruiter who I worked with placed me in this position. And she's like, when I talked with your references, they all talked about how hard you work, and that maybe you work too hard. And Aarika, it's important to work hard. And I have no doubt that that'll just always be who you are, but maybe take this as an opportunity to not work quite so hard. And it was one of those moments where I was like, Oh my gosh, this stranger essentially saw this and is giving me this advice. I think maybe I need to make some changes and so Yeah, I think it started with, how do I set more boundaries around my time not feeling like I have to be on email all the time at all hours and drop everything for work, but really saying no, like, these are the times that I'm not available because I'm with my kids, and I'm with my family and prioritizing that, you know, slowing down and thinking about, how do I work smarter, because you can work hard, but you can also work smarter. And some of that came down to like how I was prioritizing my time? And does this really need to be a meeting? Or could this be an email thing? You know, that was part of what got me into some bad habits at my last organization was that we were so meeting heavy and I was meetings all day. And then when are you going to do all the work? Well, I guess, after hours, and that's kind of one thing that I kind of put my foot down on and said, No, I need to be better about this. I need to be better about my time and how I'm using it.

Analiza: I think it's hilarious, Aarika, that your recruiter put you down and said maybe you don't have to work so hard. I mean, that's Said no one ever, right? Like recruiters usually like, go hard because I want to look good. I hire good people who work hard. So it's hilarious that she was the one who had the coming of another conversation. So it's like your husband, the recruiter and you're like, Okay, I hear you universe, you're trying to tell me something. And then I also want to just try to codify because many of us struggle with boundaries, that boundaries are hard. I mean, it's so easy to say but then to actually execute, it's really tough. So when you say prioritize, what did that mean? Like? Did you make a schedule? Did you have a weekly session for yourself? Like, what does that mean to prioritize?

Aarika: I am very much a note taker and a to do list kind of a person. And so I think I took that to heart, I also live by my calendar. And so I started to get really intentional about like, blocking off like, no work time, you know, after like five o'clock, or if I knew I didn't pick up my kids that day. And I think that things like that have helped. I also think that I'm at a smaller organization now with a smaller team. And so that just inherently means less meetings and more opportunity and time for me to do a lot of that deep strategic work that I had always really wanted to spend more of my time on that I just hadn't been able to before. And now I can do that, because I'm not so overloaded with meetings, but also really thinking through things like, Does this need to be a meeting? And then also, you know, thinking through like, Does this need to be a really long, extensive email? Or is this just a quick phone call? So I think part of it came down to even just communication and how long it was taking for different things, and how to just be more efficient with my day.

Analiza: Yeah, I'm imagining you'd said earlier, this idea of work smarter, not harder. So within the confines of the day, how do I use that time? Does it have to be in meetings? Can I just write an email? Is this email easier by phone, and then blocking time for the thinking, which sounds like you really enjoy it. So it's probably a strength and joy of yours for creating space and thinking of the big picture. So how do you structure a day that actually reflects back stuff you enjoy that has an impact on the organization and then is also communication efficient.

Aarika And the calendar blocking, I think, has been super helpful where I will put work blocks on my calendar, and I try to group things strategically so like things that I know are just going to be quick tasks that I can just bang out pretty quickly. I'll kind of group those together, things that are more deep thinking, I'll try to group that into a separate work block. And I think that that helps again, work in progress. I don't think that I've mastered it by any means. But I think I've been pretty good about sticking to it and trying. And I think I've held my boundaries around time, a lot better than I have previously.

Analiza: You had said earlier, Aarika, this idea that's not the organization, but it's actually your choice. And I think that's so powerful, because often, we can use this blame on my boss, if you were my boss, Aarika, Aarika, and the way that she runs this organization and the organization itself, that's a reason I have no boundaries, and I can't have any time for myself. What would you say to that idea that I just shared with you? That it's all the organization? It's really not me, I can't help it. I have no choice.

Aarika: It's hard because definitely there are going to be some cultures and organizations or companies that aren't going to be conducive and align to kind of what your personal values are. And I think that's part of the evaluation that you kind of have to take place for yourself is like, is this the right fit for me? Am I getting the environment that I need? But I also think that it's easy for us to just put it all on the company instead of taking some of that ownership ourselves. And so if somebody came to me and said, I'm feeling really stretched, and I don't think I have the capacity to take this on, even though you need me to, I would much prefer an honest and transparent conversation, because if that's going to help them be a stronger performer at work, and happier at work, I think that's going to help with retention, that's hopefully going to help with our work product. I mean, I think there's so many things that come from that. But I recognize that it is hard. And also, depending on your position in an organization or company, you might not have that privilege and ability to try it or to do it. But I guess try it and see what happens would be my recommendation,

Analiza: I just double click on that. Because when there's organization, right, like, there is, for example, in a school, there are certain hours that students are there, you need to be there during those hours. And you have to figure out if that environment in that organization is the right fit for you. And then second, you gotta speak up. Because if you don't even raise your hand to say, hey, there's an issue, let's talk about it, then how can we figure out how to make it work. So I really appreciate that, these types of things that you're doing Aarika, are not just for the ED or the head boss to just decide what they want, and they can have a great life, it's possible for everybody. So I'm glad that we're mentioning that. And I also want to mention Aarika, that as the head person, as a leader there, how do you think this affects your people, when you lead in this way, you have boundaries, like in fact, could you share like a an example that you had recently where you're asked after hours about some task, and you didn't just, you know, sit down at the computer right after dinner and just spend two hours on it could

Aarika: One example that comes to mind, I was in an email thread with a donor. And we were kind of going back and forth. And then I had to step away, I had home responsibilities, I had to make dinner, and I had to get my kids fed, and work with my husband to get them ready for bed. And to be honest, when I came back to it later, I knew that they probably were looking for a response sooner than like three hours later. But I said, I had family obligations to take care of. And then I responded, and I think that's a big part of it, too, that I'm realizing is we shouldn't be apologizing for stepping away to take care of our families or our life, because I think that's part of who we are as people. And I think it's important for people to be reminded and see that there is something beyond work, too. And so I think as a leader, that's one thing that I am really trying to demonstrate and lead by example on is that, you know, I'm going to be empathetic to the fact that, you know, you have a family and you have kids and you have things and if we can be flexible around certain things, and we will absolutely be flexible. Because at the end of the day, you're with the people at home, or whoever you love and call family. And so those people are just as important as anything more important than anything happening at work.

Analiza: More importantly, I love that and saying it out loud and singing it to your people. And then also sing it to your donors. I mean, frankly, that's a tough one to say, you know, hold on, not gonna be here immediately, because donors are pretty high priority customers who you want to be happy so they can continue to contribute. And for you to stand in your belief that I'm going to be a mom now. And I will talk to you in a few hours. That's great modeling. So I love that I love that you're modeling for your whole community. So I'm curious, then Aarika, in terms of how women, you know, people listening to this can have boundaries, better boundaries, any other ideas or strategies or tricks to share.

Aarika: It's all about identifying what's most important to you, and kind of keeping that as your North Star. So I think back now to that conversation I had with my husband on the couch, and I think back to what the recruiter told me, and I use those things as my North Star because I don't want my kids to look back on their childhood and say mom was always working, she was always on a call or at a meeting or in a zoom, or whatever it is. Yeah, I want them to think about Oh, mom read me bedtime stories every night or we had conversation at the dinner table. So I think just identify what matters most to you and keep that as your north star and I think that's really going to help you set and stick to your boundaries.

Analiza: That's awesome. Aarika now that you have much clearer stricter boundaries and we're all working progress, but now that they're stronger I'm curious what it opened up for you to be a Boss Mama you know, rocking at work but also self care and family?

Aarika: Yeah, I cook dinner way more often. years to which probably a good thing means we're ordering less takeout. So I think that we've really always prioritized having dinner together as a family. But I think now we're not so focused on rushing through dinner. And I think I was the guilty party for trying to rush through dinner to get to bathtime. And now spending more time talking with the kids and asking them how their day was more, and what was the highlight, what was something that maybe wasn't so great, just getting to know them better. It's been fun. And then personally, I think I've also made sure to carve out time to work out more, it was something I never prioritized before, and then realizing I'm a much happier person, and I sleep better when I work out. That's been, I think, an important thing for me to have kind of built into that time that I've reclaimed.

Analiza: That's awesome. I mean, we got to be honest here, right, Aarika and Analiza. When we are not taking care of ourselves, we're not the kindest people can be super cranky. So that's real, that's super real. All right, with that, let's go to lightning round questions. Chocolate or vanilla?

Aarika: Vanilla.

Analiza: Cooking or take out?

Aarika: Take out.

Analiza: Climb a mountain or jump from a plane?

Aarika: Climb a mountain.

Analiza: Have you ever worn socks with sandals?

Aarika: No, I'm from Hawaii. That's like a sin.

Analiza: How would you rate your karaoke skills on a scale of 1 to 10-10 being Mariah Carey?

Aarika: I'd say 6 because I come with a lot of enthusiasm.

Analiza: Recent book you've read?

Aarika: The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett.

Analiza: What's your favorite way to practice self care?

Aarika: For me, I workout at least three times a week.

Analiza: What's a good professional development you've done?

Aarika: Actually currently in the full potential leadership program through full potential ventures. And it's been incredible. It's a 10 month program, and you go through with a cohort.

Analiza: What's your definition of a Boss Mama?

Aarika: I think it's someone who doesn't apologize for having kids or having to step away from parents, but really embrace that as part of who they are as part of their leadership and what they bring to the job.

Analiza: What advice would you give your younger self?

Aarika: Stop worrying so much.

Analiza: And then where can we find you?

Aarika: I'm on LinkedIn. I'm on Instagram, Facebook, you can find me and how you want me to talk through that.

Analiza: The last question is do you have a final ask recommendation or any parting thoughts for our audience?

Aarika: I think be patient with yourself. It's hard to set those boundaries and sometimes those boundaries, you'll hold them really firm and other times. They'll waver a bit. Just don't forget to come back to that Northstar to kind of reset.

Analiza: Thank you Aarika for our time. I really enjoyed our conversation.

Aarika: Me too.

Analiza: Thank you so much for carving out time today to hear today's podcast. Three things before you go. First, if you found it helpful, please leave a five star review. Second, please share it with someone else. You can share the link and posts on Facebook and say check it out. Lastly, I want to thank you for being a listener and you can go to get a free self care bonus called juicy or joy at Analizawolf.com/freebonus. Thank you so much.